The Hotness Equation, or Why Geeks Are Sex Machines, Too

In case you guys hadn’t figured it out by now, I’m kiiiind of a geek.

Okay, FINE, I’m a huge mega nerd who’s always loved quasars and dinosaurs more than whoever’s in the latest issue of Tiger Beat.

And this means that sometimes, my definition of A Hunky Man I’d Enjoy Sexual Relations With changes from the traditional choices, such as Ryan Gosling and all vikings ever, to the quirky. And sometimes I catch shit for it from my friends and loved ones, who may not “get” my particular crush-o-the-moment.

My husband’s awesome, so we were actually talking about this the other day, comparing celebrity crushes, and developed a theory together, which I’d love to share.

Not only does it give the full picture of everyone’s appeal, instead of a looks-alone scale, which is incomplete to say the least, it helps explain your crushes to the geek haters in your circle who can’t see beyond the coke-bottle glasses to the Sex Machine that lurks beneath.

If you’re physically a hottie with a body, then you usually get rated by people (out loud by jerks and inside minds from regular people) on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being Henry Cavill in Superman tights, and 1 being a dead hobo clown with half a face.

The scale don’t lie, and that costume don’t hide no secrets…

BUT what happens when you want to bang someone because of other factors, and those factors override said physical hotness, making them hotter than just the sum of their sexy body parts? What then? How then can we decide as a society who’s Hot or Not?

I proposed that there should be two, or possible more scales of 1-10, and that they should all be averaged to describe a person’s general Sex Appeal. For example, take nerdy man sex symbol, David Tennant.

The doctor is IN!

Now, bear with me.

David’s probably not matching Cavill’s pectoral-having-abilities and yeah, okay, his teeth were made in the UK, BUT there’s something about him that’s been dropping panties ever since he became widely known for playing the 10th Doctor. Why is that? What is that extra OOMPH that slides him right on up the Hotness Scale and into our hearts?

Lets put my equation to work for these hard-to-answer questions, shall we?

Let’s say there are just two categories of things you, as a woman, care about in order to keep things simple. Personality (X) and Physicality (Y).

The hotness equation is expressed thusly:  (X + Y) % 2 = Overall Sex Appeal

For personality, I’m lumping in things like “Humor” and “Confidence” and “Awesomeness” into one scale.

Physically, David’s doing alright, but he’s no super stud. He’s slender and healthy, so yay, but he doesn’t look particularly ab-alicious, which can be a bummer for some women in their Fantasy Hunk department. He’s got kind of a jacked grill, but he’s tallish and has amazing hair, which is a bonus for sure. So let’s give David a solid 7 on looks alone.

Now, personality is where this middle-of-the-road cute guy turns into a Hottie Tottie for his fans. This is the variable that blows him from dud to stud for sure.

As The Doctor, and in pretty much every interview I’ve seen him in, David is funny, charmingly weird, has a naughty little side-smile that denotes a wicked confidence (but not arrogance), and a presence that is undeniably awesome. I would let him unbutton my clothes with his teeth based on humor alone, I’m not gonna lie.

So let’s say that is a 10. (Call me, Doctor! You can land in my Bad Wolf Bay any time!)

David Tennant’s hotness equation is therefore (7+10) % 2 = 8.5!

His overall Sex Appeal is improved by a substantial margin based on charm and magnetism alone!

(By 18% to be precise, but you didn’t hear it from me, because then you’d know how much of a nerd I really am.)

I bring this up because sometimes we all have a hard time explaining our celebrity crushes to people who don’t “get it,” you know? So now, you have some awesome math to back you up the next time your girlfriends make fun of you for crushing on Neil Patrick Harris instead of Chris Hemsworth. Hell, NPH gets a major boost based on singing ability alone, you jerks! (You’ll say, while pointing at your variables, and also thinking seriously about getting better friends.)

So, go forth and crush freely, my lovely readers! Let your nerd flag fly!

Because a clever person knows that a slammin’ bod alone does not a Sex God Maketh, although it certainly doesn’t hurt.

Looks are just half the equation, and extra credit is always given for being super goddamn awesome, any day of the week.

Tell me, guys–who is YOUR celebrity crush that no one understands? Go on, don’t be shy! And go ahead and gimme their score on your personal Hotness Scale ;). A girl’s gotta know!

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